So this is the story of my oldest friend. I got introduced to her when i was around 15. I distinctly remember, it was the summer of 1998. I had just finished my 10th standard board exams and was spending my summer vacations with my aunt in Mumbai. In fact, this was also my first rendezvous in its true sense with the city I would come to call home after 10 years. Before this time I was too little to register the existence of the city, it was always the feeling of being a part of a family reunion. This was the first time i was old enough to acknowledge Mumbai's existence as a city and having an identity of its own rather than just being a city which was a surrogate "nani ghar" to chandigarh coz my uncle/aunt stayed there.
So I met her during this time. She would visit me almost every week and although we had known each other very briefly i started identifying with her so much. She had an answer to almost everything which i couldnt get my hands around. In a very short time she became my agony aunt. I started pouring out my heart to her. It was scary in the beginning because i had started telling her my deepest secrets and my darkest fears. I was also telling her about my issues with my family, people who were and still are my only coherent world. What however, made me edgy about her was the fear of betrayal.
Over the years however, she proved her loyalties over and again and not in a manner which made me put her to test. It was unassuming and so natural that I would admire the beauty and strength of our relationship only much later and then marvel at her persistence and patience with me. She hasnt given up on me in all these 16 years - not once.
I still recall all those times during my college days when insecurity and absolute lack of self confidence would ail me and she would always sit and listen to my ranting endlessly. Never once getting tired of hearing the same thing over and again. She always gave me the strength to believe in myself and to fight for my righteousness. And backed by her supporti did - never once did i give up on my values and ideals. Even when sticking to them meant having fewer friends and more fights. I used her support to fill myself with more knowledge, more rigour and more drive to achieve what I deserved to achieve.
She handheld me through all my struggles. She ensured I could be 2 different personalities. I could be irrational, emotional, under confident and insecure b/w her and me and then i could be this confident, independent, driven, competitive, outspoken, bindaas fun loving woman which the world saw. And somewhere i think i also became the latter - because the former was so well taken care of by her that it almost became a dormant side, threatening to flare up only and only when failures loomed ahead of me. But then between her and me we handled it extremely well.
And the best part about her was her ability to give me space. There was never place for possessiveness and insecurity between us. Everytime there were new people in my life who she knew i loved or trusted more than her she would back off. She would allow me to give them space to become a part of my life and partly take up her role of validating my decisions and feelings because i need a lot of that. She in fact was almost saintly in her behaviour with me. When (and there have been more than 1 ocassion) i burnt my hands with my blind belief in these new people she would never rub the lack of judgement in my face. She would always very patiently explain to me what went wrong, how could i hav avoided it, what were the signs i should have watched out for and where should i have drawn a line. And after every such incident she would take me back under her wing making everything hunky dory all over again. Well it was never an overnight process. It took time for meto finish this conversation with her, after endless arguements, discussions and evidences from both of us will I reach a conclusion.
Its only lately, when i think life has taken a rather unexpected and not so pleasant turn that i have also started seeing her in a new light. I think that she has her own set of limitations. She was a good friend when she was in the background. In recent times i think she has started hanging on my arm a little too much. And sometimes instead of being a companion become me. This has made her advice not advice but action because we have become one. And on more than 1 ocassion instead of having the liberty of listening to her point of view, debating it in my own head and then taking a decision and action, I have just taken action basis her feeling and thought about an incident. And amongst the many that i have accepted and moved on from, one still hurts me. I wish I could undo it and not because i was wrong or what i did was wrong. No, in fact amongst the others that i am ready to move on from this was the one where i was most right.
But then I dont know if being right in this situation is worth the result it has yielded. The hurt and pain of losing my best friend isnt worth listening to her. I would have been fine with her losing over and again to him. Yes i know what he did was wrong, it was uncalled for and it hurt beyond anything else. But then not having him around isnt any less painful. Not being a part of his happiness is not where i ever thought both of us would be. I should have let her lose this time. I let her lose to men who only ended up hurting me. Then why did i not allow her to lose to him who has always been my only support system outside my family. I should have waited for him to fight this battle with her, assuage her and win it. And i would have, if only he had tried. If only for once he had mustered the courage to make a 1 sided conversation and let her hear him out. If only he had knocked on her door more than once. If only he knew that she was also hurting because he was the only one she had ever trusted with me. If only he knew that everytime she knew i am headed towards failure or pain, she allowed me to make those mistakes because he was there to hold my hand when i fell. She knew that in those moments i would not listen to her but only to him.
So when she saw him leave my hand and walk off it broke her heart beyond repair. She lost all faith in her judgement of decision making. He did to her what nothing else in life could manage - shatter her trust in friendship. Well, thats the story of my friendship with my little friend - my ego, and how inspite of being by my side for almost 15 years she still never became my best friend and lost to him inspite of having proven herself and me right.
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